REAL ESPN THE MAGAZINE RUNS OUT THE TIMES
"IF WE LOSE, IT WON'T PRINT" THE APPARENT NEW SLOGAN OF STRUGGLING NEW YORK TIMES
By Tiffany Grey, staff writer
NEW YORK, NY — Readers of the New York Times had no way of knowing something was amiss when they finished ingesting the contents of the paper Tuesday morning. But in a decision reflective of both current editorial aimlessness and athletic embarrassment at the paper, not to mention a general disregard for the best interests of its constituency, it was revealed Tuesday afternoon that the onetime journalistic institution elected not to run a story about its Metro Soccer co-ed seven-a-side intramural team's demoralizing 4-2 loss to Real ESPN Magazine in their final spring season game Monday night.
The omission came as little to surprise to industry insiders, who are quick to point out that the Times, reeling from the combined effects of the economy and the decline of print, has lately been making curious— if not altogether ill-advised—content choices. The insiders added that in the face of the current space crunch, the Times is counter-intuitively exacerbating its woes by cutting the types of stories that intrigue and inspire readers, such as coverage of the arts and co-ed intramural soccer.
Soccer analysts echoed the sentiments of the journalism industry insiders, saying that while it was a troubling disservice to readers of the New York Times, it was predictable that the paper would decide against a piece chronicling the conclusion of its co-ed intramural soccer team's disappointing season. The NY Times team entered the game having already resigned themselves to the fact that the best they could finish was fourth in the standings. Their subsequent performance, rife with in-fighting and lackluster defense, only served to affirm widespread beliefs that the onetime-proud team's spirit had been broken. It was the type of outing neither the team nor its parent paper would want immortalized in print.
Such was not the case for Real ESPN Magazine, which capped its maiden voyage in Serie A with a veritable clinic on how co-ed seven-a-side intramural soccer should be played. The team turned in a near-flawless end-to-end performance, with the offense applying constant pressure and the defense proving to be all but impenetrable. One of the two chinks in otherwise unflappable netminder Jon Wank's armor came on an extremely close direct kick, making a bloop strike from an unguarded NY Times forward ESPN's only true blemish. The effort moved Real ESPN Magazine into a knot with HC Utd. for second place in the standings, though HC's +32 goal differential ultimately gave them the tie-breaker edge over ESPN's +17.
"It was truly one of the finer games we've ever played," remarked team captain and sessile midfielder Neil Janowitz, who was contacted Tuesday afternoon after it became clear the Times was trying to bury the story. "It's sad that a paper purporting to be the bedrock of the journalism world would make such a dubious call, but I look at it this way: Our performance was deserving of front-page headlines. Anything less would have been an insult, so perhaps things are better this way."
When contacted about the decision, representatives for the Times declined to make a formal statement. A company spokesperson did note that the paper "would never" run an article about the goings-on of its co-ed intramural soccer team, but did not respond when asked whether that was due toinsolvency or shame.
MARSCHALL LAW
'MARSCHALL PLAN' LEADS ESPN CO-ED REC SOCCER TO DECEPTIVELY STRONG 3-2 VICTORY
By Cyndi Parker, staff writer
NEW YORK, NY — Susan Marschall was not worried. The same could not be said for her ESPN the Magazine co-ed seven-a-side Metro Soccer winter league teammates, all of whom were visibly concerned about having to play without all-star forwards Chris Sprow and Tony "U.K." Viglietti for the first time in months on Monday night. But Marschall, in her first season after replacing departed NYU stars Sarah Lensing and Sammy Nick, decided to expend any nervous energy she may have generated in a more productive manner: By rifling a pair of shots past the goalkeeper of opponents Keep the Change and leading her own club to a crucial 3-2 win. Combined with veteran striker Amy Fortunato—who tallied the team's second goal after an impressive sequence of high-traffic red zone footwork—Marschall helped ESPN maintain its narrow hold on first place in the league standings.
It was a performance that hearkened back to the days before the arrival of Sprow and Viglietti, when ESPN's squad was powered almost exclusively by the dynamic play of its corps of women—and last night, everyone on the team was happy to see the long and storied tradition of female superiority live on. The ever-modest Marschall had no comment on her performance, though stalwart goalkeeper Jon Wank was more than happy to summarize the prevailing feelings on the night's MVP: "Man," he remarked after the game, "she's good."
It was a quiet game for the rest of the team, who seemed content to function in a support role and let the femme fútbols blaze the path. Most notably, a pair of scoring chances were butchered by roving midfielders Ethan Lipton and Neil Janowitz, who each managed to mis-fire on two perfect crosses right in front of empty nets. Nevertheless, Janowitz felt nothing but pride for the performances delivered by himself and his team.
"It's all about opportunities," the aimless middy observed. "Creating and recognizing opportunities. We did that tonight. I myself had a few looks at the goal, which is all I need to consider my play a success. If I don't create opportunities for myself, I've already failed. But if I make something happen on the field—a move, or something; maybe a pass—it postpones my failure by a few seconds. That's the time I really relish."
The game's pulse briefly spiked down the stretch, when Keep the Change scored a pair of quick goals with the clock nearing expiration. But the flurry only served to galvanize ESPN's defense, and the reigning Metro Soccer champs coasted to their third win of the year. Despite the momentary late-game breakdown, ESPN's crew was in good spirits after the game, collectively noting that it just wouldn't be a proper ESPN game if they didn't become absent-minded and complacent and nearly squander a once-commanding lead.
BLUSTERY WINTER BLUSTER
FLUSH WITH SUCCESS CAPITAL, DEFENDING METROSOCCER CHAMPS SET OUT TO FLAUNT
By Avery Penn, staff writer
NEW YORK, NY — Any questions about whether their recent fall league world championship title would go to the heads of ESPN's co-ed seven-a-side soccer team were swiftly answered Monday night, when the club proved that they have indeed become orders of magnitude more arrogant during a 7-4 victory over F.C. Hammer. Clad in yellow jerseys chosen because they most closely resembled the golden sheen of the championship trophy, ESPN's group leapt out to a commanding 5-0 first-half lead, and from there began a pronounced deevolution.
"Here's the thing: Should we have started jumping around and whining like bitches when they scored a very, very questionable goal near the end of the first half?" Probably not," said ineffective midfielder Neil Janowitz, who was appointed to his second straight term as captain before the game. "But as we learned last season, when the title was very close to being awarded to the team with the highest aggregate goal differential, every score counts. So even though we still would've won it last season with our outlandish +25 differential, and even though we were up 5-0 in this game, it ... wow, it is really easy to justify things when you become a dick. Wow. Listen to me."
A flurry of scores to start the second half quickly jumped the tally to 7-2, at which point goalkeeper Jon Wank left to prowl the field for the remainder of the game. But as an immediate skirmish with an opposing player made clear, Wank's interest in leaving the net didn't stem exclusively from a desire to hone his dribbling skills.
"In just one season, we went from the huntee to the hunted," Wank later explained. "I saw No. 5 on their team trying to use dirty and un-soccer-like tactics to try and beat us. I don't know what came over me, but he tried to act tough and got pushed. As my friend Brandon Marshall says, 'The kid had popcorn muscles; bitching after he got stepped to.'"
Wank escaped the incident without receiving a card of any hue, but it soon became apparent that his outburst would be the last trace of passion displayed by any member of the ESPN team for the rest of the game. Before the final whistle sounded, the lackadaisical squad had allowed two more ticky-tack goals to slip past substitute goalkeeper Chris Sprow. Afterward, the prevailing feeling was one of indifference.
"I know no one wants to play against the cocky, annoying team, and it's not that we want to be those guys and gals," said Janowitz. "But the fire burns deep and hot within the hearts of ESPN co-ed soccer players, and winning the championship only served to stoke those flames. Sometimes that intesity manifests itself as arrogance. Also, we're much better than everyone else."
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL
ESPN CO-ED SEVEN-A-SIDE INTRAMURAL SOCCER TEAM SHOCKS WORLD, SELVES, WORLD BY WINNING METROSOCCERNY FALL LEAGUE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE
By Fortuna Kennedy, staff writer
NEW YORK, NY — The scene was one of insuppressible jubilation in lower west Manhattan's Barrow's Pub Monday night, as the ESPN co-ed soccer team celebrated the accomplishment of a feat once universally regarded as impossible: The claiming of a MetroSoccer seasonal championship. The club had paraded to the nearby watering hole to properly toast their 7-0 win over Lactic Acid, and at the heart of the merry bedlam stood team captain Neil Janowitz, who watched euphorically as his teammates passed around a beer-filled league trophy.
"It's hard for me to articulate just how much this means to me," he remarked, with a catch in his voice, before trailing off, "I'm one of the few who have been here since the beginning, and let me tell you—back in '06, no one ever thought ... ever thought ..." The speechless sentiment was one shared by everyone on the squad, who all seemed to think that the gleaming gold-plated cup they held in their hands might still somehow elude them.
Just an hour earlier, however, the possibility of the title slipping from their grasp was far more legitimate. ESPN's team entered the game with just a single point lead in the standings over Lactic Acid, their final-game foes. That lone point meant ESPN controlled their own destiny—but with defensewoman Sammy Nick as their only female player come game time, the team's ability to do so was in doubt. "I didn't want to lose," recalled goaltender Jon Wank, between gulps from the trophy, "but I really didn't want to lose because we were two players down."
But it didn't take long for destiny to prove it was on the side of the Four Letters. Star forward Chris Sprow netted the game's first goal just seconds after the whistle, then added another before two minutes had ticked by. The pair of whirlwind tallies gave ESPN the confidence and momentum they needed to weather the storm until their remaining teammates arrived, and once at full strength, the team cruised to a convincing victory—giving Wank his third shutout of the season, and ESPN their first taste of championship glory. As the after-party made evident, it was a night that won't soon be forgotten by anyone present.
"Sure, some people are looking at us and saying, 'Hey, weirdos, all you did was win some co-ed soccer league championship. This isn't whatever the title game of the MLS is called. Get some perspective,'" said Janowitz, who stood shivering on the Barrow's Pub sidewalk in his blue briefs and championship medal after having an unknown female passer-by dump a trophy-full of beer on his head. "But after more than two years—including two seasons in which we didn't win a single game, and two winters of playing in sub-zero temperatures—I've got one hell of a perspective on this team. And from my vantage point, it looks like some of the greatest soccer players on Earth are celebrating one of the greatest days they've ever had."
Janowitz then looked down at himself and added, "Of course, I'm standing in my beer-soaked underwear on a New York sidewalk in the middle of December, so I may not be the most reasonable person to ask."
MOVING AND SHOCKING
JANOWITZ ASTOUNDS TEAMMATES, ONLOOKERS ALIKE WITH DISPLAY OF ACTUAL NEAR-TALENT
By Becker Davidson, staff writer
NEW YORK, NY — It's been nearly two full years since Neil Janowitz and the ESPN co-ed recreational soccer team first took the Metro Soccer NYC fields in the fall of 2006. During the 22 months that have since elapsed, he and his fellow footballers have grown into a close, cohesive, nurturing unit, bound as they are by the shackles of shared experience. But for all that they've witnessed over the past 48 fortnights together, nothing could have prepared them for what transpired shortly into the second half of their 2-1 loss to F.C. Hammer Monday night:
After receiving a pass ten feet behind the center line, Janowitz turned awkwardly with the ball at his feet, visibly brimming with intent to attempt dribbling. His path, however, was quickly obstructed by an oncoming defender. The two engaged in a tense mambo of lateral twitches, which observers said looked like the typical anxious seizures that manifest when Janowitz handles the ball. Neither man gained, nor granted, any ground. Then, at the precise moment when foes usually dart in and poke the ball away, Janowitz deftly flicked the ball over the defenseman's right knee and dashed around to retrieve it.
In short, he had performed a "move."
"I couldn't believe he did it," said ESPN striker Tony "U.K." Viglietti, who watched the showcase unfold from the sideline. "I didn't know he had it in him." That Janowitz lost the ball shortly thereafter on an errant pass was of little consequence; the sessile midfielder was nevertheless showered with praise following the match.
"I really didn't think about it, to be honest," recounted a troublingly sweaty Janowitz, from his perch at the Barrow's Pub bar after the game. "Usually when I'm in a situation like that, I can't stop thinking, 'What would someone with skill do?' Then the ball gets taken from me and I can breath a bit easier, knowing I no longer have to actually do anything. But this time ... wow. A move. Didn't see that coming."
That Janowitz's first move came during a loss did temper the mood—ESPN had been up 1-0 for the majority of the game before being dispatched by two quick F.C. Hammer goals in the closing minutes. But knowledge that Janowitz might be able to positively contribute to games in the future with similar moves remained a source of optimism for all involved.
"It's crazy, and I guess kinda pathetic, that it took me two years before my first move," admitted Janowitz. "But I'm guessing that someone, at some point, once said that your first move is always the hardest, so I'm going to stick by that assumed adage."
A HOLIDAY ENCHILA-DON’T
SALTY OFFICIALS AND UNSALTED MARGARITAS DOOM CINCO DE MAYO SOCCER OUTING
By Lukas Leebray, staff writer
NEW YORK, NY — To count the number of players on the field Monday night, an onlooker might have thought the ESPN co-ed recreational soccer team, which had just two girls show up, was down only one person in its match against the Working Poor. But as a number of ESPN players revealed shortly after their 4-2 loss, one member's ill-advised pre-game meal effectively left the squad with a two-man disadvantage for the duration of the game.
"He really didn't play much," said midfielder / forward Alex Voetsch about sessile midfielder Neil Janowitz, whose alcohol-soaked Mexican dinner came back to haunt him shortly into the first half. "I'd come out of the game to take a rest, and within seconds I'd see him clutching his stomach and begging for a sub." That experience was echoed by forward Nigel Goodman, who scored the team's first goal by spectacularly heading in a cross from defenseman / midfielder / forward Tony TK:
"Did you see that header? It was gorgeous," he remarked. "Just imagine what I could've done if I had actually been able to rest, rather than constantly coming back into the game for Neil."
Janowitz consumed an enchilada and two margaritas shortly before the game, claiming that the dictates of the Cinco de Mayo holiday trumped any concerns he had about how the meal would affect his performance. But according to him, it was actually a tense encounter with the referee shortly after the start of the match that threw him off his game.
"I brought a killer green-and-red lucha libre mask with all these red tassles," he explained. "It was my secret weapon. I wore it all during warm-ups, and even though I could barely breath, I was all set to wear it in the game. Then I subbed myself in for Voetsch, and next thing I know, the ref is making me taking off the mask—even after I reminded him what day it was. How was I supposed to concentrate on the game after my secret weapon got banned?"
As goalie Jon Wank later pointed out, it was the second time in the past year that Janowitz, or one of his alter-egos, had been forced to remove a mask during an athletic match. It was also the second time this year Janowitz played after having consumed a significant amount of alcohol, despite having regretted the idea after his first attempt.
"Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results," Janowitz mused after the game, while standing hunched over with his hands on his knees. "But that's not really what happened here. Yes, I played once before in a mask, and it went poorly. And yes, I played once before while buzzed, and felt awful. But this time I was attempting to wear a mask while playing with a few drinks in me. And you can't tell me there wasn't a chance things would go differently."
ESPN SOCCER? BALLS.
TENSION, GOALKEEPING BY COMMITTEE, SLOTH LEAD TO DEMORALIZING DEFEAT FOR MAG TEAM
By Paul F. Mulaney, staff writer
NEW YORK, NY — It was a calm Monday evening on Manhattan's Pier 40 soccer fields when the co-ed recreational teams from ESPN the Magazine and VH1 assembled for the sixth game of their Metro Soccer spring season. But any semblance of placidity was shattered within moments of the game's inception, as the match quickly spiraled into a melee fraught with on-field altercations and general ineffectiveness by the ESPN crew. Using an aggressive attack bolstered by actual player skill, the VH1 corps methodically picked apart the Worldwide Leader's humble pack, tallying a score of 5-2.
The mood was solemn in the ESPN huddle after the game, as everyone seemed to be marinating in unspoken blame. It was a particularly rough night for goalie-cum-forward Doug McIntyre—not because he had allowed two scores while tending goal in the first half; after all, he had earned one back after switching to forward in the second forty-five. Rather, because he was unable to punch N0. 10 on VH1's team squarely in the throat, despite an unrelenting desire to do so. "I called one of his teammates a dickhead, and he got in my face," recounted McIntyre, still fuming. "Since when can I not call people dickheads without fear of retaliation? What the hell is going on here?"
Team morale was kept alive thanks to the selfless play of sweeper / midfielder / striker Amy Fortunato, who combined savvy ball-handling with a predilection for hurtling herself at opposing players to separate them from the ball. Less aggressive was sessile midfielder Neil Janowitz, who confessed, "I was feeling lethargic tonight, and I'm not good enough to serve any purpose when stricken with such sluggishness, or any other time." And second-half goalie Greg Blanco found himself at the center of controversy after diving hands-first on a ball well outside the box, which lead to a goal-producing penalty kick. "The ref kept trying to lecture me," snarled Blanco. "I was like, Hey man, I cheated. Let's move on with things."
But ultimately, no one person could shoulder responsibility for the team's lackluster performance. Concluded striker / IR spot-holder Jon Wank, "We tried to be too many Curly Neals and not enough Jason Kidds with the ball." His ESPN teammates agreed with the assessment, though most later admitted that they had no idea what Wank was talking about.
BOARD TO BE MILD
SNOWBOARDER PROVES IT'LL TAKE MORE THAN FOUR YEARS TO ERODE HIS INSUBSTANTIAL SKILLS
By Davis Daniels, staff writer
PARK CITY, UT — Neil Janowitz could hardly remember the last time he hit the slopes. He knew it took place when he was "either sophomore or junior in college." He knew it was during a group ski trip to Mont Sutton, in Sutton, Quebec. And he knew he wasn't very good. But despite the half-decade layover, the fearful freerider also knew that his trip to Utah for the Sundance Film Festival would be incomplete without a few runs through the pristine Park City powder.
And so Janowitz joined fellow scribes Sean Evans and Alyssa Roenigk—a seasoned skier and snowboarder, respectively—early Saturday morning at the Park City Mountain Resort for what was, in his mind, a gross temptation of fate. Once on the slopes, however, he gleefully discovered that his wholly unimpressive skills remained almost fully intact.
"It was amazing," the breathless boarder boasted later that afternoon. "The first run was rough—my pride prevented me from doing a green circle, so we went down this blue square, Dividend, and I took a few tumbles. But by the next run I could feel my legs coming back, and after that things went pretty smoothly. Relatively speaking."
Citing a minor, vague, inexplicable foot injury, Evans called it a day after just a handful of runs, but Janowitz followed the much bolder Roenigk's lead and was treated to a thorough test of his rediscovered near-talent.
"Alyssa and I made a solid afternoon of it, and I really got a sense of what I can and can't do," Janowitz explained. "Not much has changed since I left off: I can nearly make it down an entire run without falling, and I still have difficulty with black diamonds, double black diamonds, steep blue squares, moguls, the snowboard park and riding with one foot unstrapped. But the way I see it, that's just a solid checklist of things to work on."
Janowitz says he looks forward to swinging up to a mountain back on the east coast, though notes that he first wants to buy a helmet and pair of snowboard pants that don't date back to his high school ski club.
MATRONS NO MATCH
LOPSIDED PARLOR GAME COMPETITIONS MAR HOLIDAY GATHERING
By Hannah Khan, staff writer
PITTSBURGH, PA — When he first arrived home for a yuletide celebration, Neil Janowitz was enthusiastically welcomed by not only his mother, Mom, and father, Pops, but by both his grandmothers as well. Unfortunately, that seasonal cheer would last only until the annual Christmastime gaming competitions began.
"What was I supposed to do?" said a confident Janowitz after the fact. "I tried to hole up in my room and read old magazines, but they kept asking me to play. I'm not going to say 'no' to the three mothers in my life."
Those mothers, however, may wish he had. The initial event, Wii Bowling, featured a showdown between Janowitz, Grandma Shirley and Mom, whose uncanny ability to throw reverse-spin center-lane strikes usually catapults her to convincing family victories. But Janowitz rallied to a 184-160 upset over his mother, who was then compelled her to excise Shirley—who, with fewer than 60 pins, was a non-factor—from the competition and make it a best-of-three head-to-head match. Mom dominated the final two games by a combined 105 pins, but Janowitz's first-round win would prove to be the margin of victory when the battlefield shifted to speed Scrabble. (An innovation of necessity within the family, speed Scrabble imposes a one-minute time limit upon otherwise overly-deliberate competitors.)
"I really thought it would be a more level playing field," recalled Janowitz, who won both games of Scrabble to secure a decisive 3-2 aggregate family events win over Mom. "Sure, I have the heightened mental agility of youth, but Mom and Pops are both voracious readers, my sister, Beast, is absurdly intelligent, and Grandma Marge is so old that she's got to know a lot of words. I'm really surprised Grandma didn't bring her A-game, to be honest. Or rather, her J-game, 'cause it's worth more. That's a Scrabble joke."
The games started out evenly, with a four-way melee between Janowitz, Beast, Mom and Marge coming down to the final round. Trailing badly, Janowitz played "JARGONS," a full-tray bingo when no tiles remained, which yielded 82 points and vaulted the scribe from last place to an impressive dramatic victory. The second game, played on the following night between Janowitz, Mom and Pops, was less exciting, as Janowitz's commanding lead resulted in an abandonment of scorekeeping by the time the game concluded. His title safe for another year, the champ callously skittered out to join friends at a downtown Pittsburgh bar, leaving his frustrated opponents in his wake.
"All considered, I'm pretty happy we didn't get him the pair of 36" Irwin bar clamp / spreaders he wanted," Pops later remarked, no doubt speaking for the entire family.